My Daily Battle and Upcoming Ones

It started again last night. The ever pounding pressure like headache. The pressure behind my left eye. Although I have lost sight in it already, it still has much pressure behind it. I took a Dilauded for the pain as it stretched and expanded from my brain down my spine. It hurt to lay down but was much worse sitting up. The Dialauded took barely the edge off the pain but had a tendency to also finally get me a little sleep. I woke up exhausted, and knowing that I had 4 kids to get to school. My task was barely accomplished, yet even my 7 yr. old understood my condition, and got himself ready and fed. I am so proud of him yet so saddened that this illness also takes allot from him as a child. Sometimes he has to do more than any 7 yr. old should.My 7 yr. old is very caring, and although he likes to be comforted, and is a snuggle bug, he likes to give the same back to me.I have slept most of today, due to the nausea, palpitations, chest pain, and numbness down my face. It feels as if someone is pressing down on the top of my head and cramming it into my spine. My ears are ringing as well.Yet with all of this I find myself trying several times today trying to sit up for a few minutes and accessing the Internet to continue to research and find answers to my illnesses so that I may find a cure.Tomorrow will be the 1 yr. mark of my father-in laws suicide. I am praying that I will be in less pain to be their for my family and to comfort them, and myself. I was very close to him as well. I adored him. I took his death very hard. He had been placed on a medication for depression called Lexapro. He had only been on it for about 1 week and decided he didn't like the side effects, so just stopped and 2 days later went to his favorite place with his 2 best hunting dogs, shot them both, and turned the gun on himself. There is nothing worse than having a coroner at you door giving you the news. I collected his personal effects including the gun. Because of my husbands emotional state at the time, I kept the gun that was wrapped in a brown paper bag and hid it from him until the following morning. I knew he would look in the safe so I left with it under my pillow as to keep it safe from my husband and children. The next morning I took it to my friend who is a firearm dealer and asked him to assist me in cleaning it up( It was a bloody mess) He agreed to as my husband and his brothers wanted it so that they could dismantle it and destroy it. I think it was part of their own closure. So I never wanted them to see it in its last condition. Tomorrow will be hard for many. 2 days after his death we went to the lake and I had each member of the family write a message to him on a 3x5 card, and we attached each to a balloon and let them go. This was to help my children with grieving and trying to remember the good things about their grandpa. We will again do this tomorrow, as we do for holidays, etc.I have set my husband up for a massage tomorrow (A Christmas present from last year)to help with tension and stress that tomorrow will be for him. I wish I could endure one myself, but to be touched hurts.Well I am off for now as back to lying down I go.
Labels: brain, dilaudid, family, headaches, Lexapro, numbness, ringing in ears, spine

Continually Struggling

Always my salvation was laughter–laughing with friends, with girlfriends, laughing in the dark…it turned out that when hardships came, the sense of humor of my friends, and of my own, saved the day.
-Anne Lamott



I continually struggle with what to say to friends and family who subscribe to a way of thinking. And I’m frustrated beyond belief when people tell me such things as "if you just counted your blessings" or "if you just mastered your thoughts" or "if you were just more positive and optimistic" then you wouldn’t be in so much pain. I’ve wanted God to give them a day in my brain so that they can really appreciate what they are saying to me and how it might feel if received on the other end. Ahem. Sorry, back to you. O.K. Not really as I couldn't possible wish this on anyone. But do people really think about what they say before the actually say it? I think not.


For those who do not have to endure the so many symptoms related to these illnesses, I would like to say:

1) Do not ever say " I understand how you feel". Because if you aren't walking in my shoes than you truly don't know.

2) Do not ever say "I feel your pain". because I may feel pain more intensly than you.

3) When I state that my headache is so bad, don't complete with me to make your issues worse, just be understanding and careing.

4) When I tell you to not touch me, understand that it is because my skin is on fire, I hurt and every touch hurts worse, not that I am pushing you away.

5)Do not ask me how I am feeling today if you really don't want to hear the answer, because it may be long.

6) Don't assume that because today may be a good day for me that tomorrow will be as well.

7) Please understand that I may have to cancel our vacations, and family outings at the last minute because I hurt, but I am too very disapointed.

8) Please know that I too feel the strain these illnesses are causing on all of our live.

9) Please continue to walk this path that the Lord has given to me to take on, and we shall together find a cure.

10) Know that I might sometimes forget to say how much I appreciated you and your support as sometimes I feel consumed by this illness and its symptoms, but I do appreciate you and your support.

11) Know that I cherish your friendships, love, understanding and compassion.