Disappinted and giving up this battle

So I haven't posted for a very long time. I thought I should now. I have a good friend who owns her own medical practice and her husband is my cardiologist. She has beengood to me, patient with me and most of all has tried to help bygettingme the help Ineed to try and find the right person to help fix this. Yet once again all has fallen through. Where there was once hope there is now emptiness. So many around me have stood by me, supported me, etc. yet I have effected them all in some negative way. My family is barely hanging together, I disappoint my friends, I haven't been to church in some time, because of this illness consumes me and no one truly understands what I am ging through. Yet I pretend to be stronger than I am arond everyone because I dont want them to see me as weak and not incontrol, but honestly this is me now. Iam angry,hateful, and even mean, and not because I want to but because this is what consumes me with this illness.

My bestfriend Chris trys to keep me laughing, my spitits up, but I am still alone. so at this point I am throwing in the towel, no more fighting this, no more doctors, no more meds, etc. I am done. My life will be as it was made to be and I wll deal with what has been dealtto me. I am not sure why this has happened or what I have done, but it is what it is. On my good days I will be thankful, and on those many bad days the only prayer I will pray it to take me from this pain and life.

I thank everyone for all they have tried to do and have done. But now it must be as it should.
It is funny how much lately I have reached out to so many in my past on my facebook. Just to have a chance to touch my past and be open to my future.
I want to end this with an apology to everyone for my cruelty even though it wasn't my intention.